So I guess it’s been a minute since I have written you all, so today is the day, the first day of a new decade!
This year I turned the keys to the holiday over to my Daughter and her Partner, I knew I would be unable to exhort the energy this year, just didn’t have it in me. For those of you that didn’t know I had Spinal surgery this year, and have been laid up from that and nerve pain since the beginning of this year due to a long term condition that I have had since I was 18 years of age. It was a beautiful Christmas and I felt home downstate with them. Physically it is difficult but each day I am a little stronger so I know I am blessed, it’s just that patience is not one of my strong points so it is but another lesson I am having to learn.
While I was down state my daughter and I went to Target… I was looking for a new hoodie and I just to walk around a bit. Little did I know it would impact me so hard for as I walked around I could feel my Mom with me and remembered one of the last times I walked thru the store with her. It was as though she was with me, I could smell the fresh soap she used, I could feel the touch of her hand and hear her say as she headed to the registers oh just one more thing as she turned down yet another aisle. It was bitter sweet. Now my daughter was doing the same as I walked through the store 10 years later. How much things change and yet how many things remain the same. But the time spent with the kids was indeed both wonderful and home so I am extremely grateful.
Now fast forward to New Year’s Eve. Yup I am getting older, well let’s be truthful… I am not getting, I am old hahahahah and with that being said last night I got a phone call from my dear friend Denise and we talked, laughed and took pause over the past decade. Both of us being so proud of our children, a little sad our bodies have changed and function like a an old truck in an abandoned field… and laughed about it in the process. Talked about what we did in our youth for New Years Eve, another truth be told… we were kinda wild back in the day. So sharing and speaking with a close friend made it a pleasant New Year’s Eve.
So this morning as I woke the critters inside and outside were ready for their breakfast and my regular routine, but something pushed me to take pause and crawl back into bed and sleep for perhaps another hour and sleep it came quickly and dragged me to a place of dreamwalk. little did I know it was my Mom calling me back so she could speak with me. Of all places she takes me is to the old neighborhood and into of course the stores. The grocery store which was packed with people and she was confused and lost and I pushed my way through to her and told her it was all right she just needed to stay close. To my first home when she was confused about where she was and I gently turned her and hugged her gently, as I did she took her hands and placed them on each side of my face and told me to stop. I looked at her in surprise and asked her what she meant.
She told me that it was time for me to take care of me like I have taken care of others in my life for years. It was time to not worry if I took care of her and my dad well enough, for I did…she said I always did from the time I was young. She told me I was a gift to them, as I was adopted, that they choose me to be added to their family. That everything was for reason, that I did things and chose directions for the bigger picture…for the things I gave up to care for my family, that it was time for me to care for me and live. I knew it was her for I knew she was telling me to find my will again, something few have known I have struggled with over this past year.
She told me to love myself bigger and believe in myself stronger. She showed me all the people that were around me in spirit and my precious pup Boone that was with her… she said we have got you and You have got this. She told me I had things I needed to do and people that needed to hear and see me do them. With that she hugged and kissed me and I woke from my dreamwalk.
With this told, some may or may not have experienced it but physical pain is a game changer that I have dealt with for over forty years, but this past year took me to my knees pretty much literally. I just didn’t care if I woke up the next morning. I am not nor will I ever be suicidal, I just didn’t give a shit anymore the pain was just getting beyond. I do not take medications often, and when I do I know it is bad. God Bless all my friends and family that have continuously been there for me this past year…whether it was phone calls, emails, texts or simply just popping on Facebook to say hey… You all kept me in the moment. For all those that in Spirit came through and pushed me each day, each critical moment of truths and pushing through it all… I thank you and am grateful. So to say I was at a low this past year is an understatement. But with the passing of each day I am healing and I know this truly I do.
So this was a special gift, a new years gift, a blessing of Truth my Mom brought me… it sets forth the map for the journey ahead, for me and wise words for others to remember about their own self. Spirit is always around guiding and urging us to stay in a positive lane, but when we fall out of that lane we are human and it is okay for they will gently hold us up. It is a reminder that our past can not be changed, but our future can hold great things we have yet to do and experience. That there is no judgement from Spirit that we only in our human forms are we judged or judge and we need to learn to let it go. That we can fall down, but we can always get back up. That there is no shame in asking and receiving help from others. Most of all that we all have purpose, that we all matter, that what we each are meant to be or do has the ability to impact others in positives.
So let’s take a fresh look at 2020… remind ourselves that it is another decade in the rear view mirror. That there are unlimited possibilities for us all to be free to create better, stronger and more positive things in our own lives and things that impact others around us!
I am bear Medicinewalker and I am back, back on track and ready to begin yet again. Happy New Year Everyone…and may this be our best year yet!
I am dedicated to Educating and sharing the lessons, teachings and culture I have been taught by my Elders and journey with the World. It is not enough merely to learn the ways of our Elders. We must honor those traditions by sharing and educating the World. Inspiring others …Inspiring our Youth. Through the Music… the Arts…the stories…”
Blessings to you All!
~ bear
Music provided by Chris Ferree and available at http://www.chrisferree.com as part of the Wolf and the bear Network @2020
